The Genius of Segregated Bungee Jumping

I was fascinated by the fact that post-modern whites act very surprised when we tell them how distrustful we are of public institutions and public health with the most glaring example being our reluctance to get vaccinated and distrust of the police. Smart Negro professionals, talking heads, Black pundits, Black academics and public intellectuals told them the history of the Tuskegee Experiment, the history of the Henrietta Lacks research, forced sterilization and the way the white south used the criminal justice system in the Jim Crow/Black Codes eras et al. There are many examples but I notice white folks eyes glaze over and then with hurt feelings and a pained expression they say “but that was that past, we’re not like that anymore!”

This they say as though it brings any relief when someone that has committed a crime against you escapes an insane asylum, goes to your house, knocks on the door and says “I did what I did to you before, but I’m much better now.” ‘Better’ is the operative word there. “I” used to not like you because you’re Black, but I’m better now? As a matter of fact now if I don’t like you I have objective reasons for feeling so.” And therein lies the rub because one man’s ‘objectivity’ is another man’s “terrorist/freedom fighter.” In an effort to explain to white people something I usually am only too happy let other Black public intellectuals do, I wrote this essay. My job as a public Black intellectual is to explain things to we ninjas not to whites. I leave that to Leonard Pitts, Ta-Nehisi Coates, Henry Louis Gates, Cornell West, April Ryan, etc. with this one exception which I intend to be more literary than polemic.

Imagine if legalized (as opposed to default) segregation were still operational. Imagine bungee jumping companies that sell retail individual bungee jumps, Bungee locations, bungee cords and trains bungee operators and owners. They have a whites only line and colored line. Supposedly the equipment is separate but absolutely equal with the most obvious example being the ‘Whites Only’ restrooms and lunch counters of the Jim Crow era, but with the addition of ‘Whites Only’ Bungee jumping lines and waiting rooms. Niggers don’t bungee jump already, the same way we don’t usually relish going camping and other outdoors activities stereotypically. But any nigga bungee jumping in a segregated line considering American Antebellum and Civil War history has to be a damn fool….or a scientist of either physics, strength of materials or white psychology.

This is assuming no ill will at all on the part of whites, just history. Was the ‘Colored Only’ restroom and water fountain ever ‘better’ than the ‘Whites Only’? This is almost however we may define better, perhaps in terms of equipment, convenience, maintenance, etc. How rare is it even now that the Black side of town is ‘better’ and not next to the dump or the chemical plant. Indeed how rare is it that the Black side of the tracks is as economically developed or has statistically as good as schools as the ‘White’ side. This is not to say there aren’t other more important reasons for Black neighborhood schools being ‘better’ for Black children but simply to contextualize the argument of why Black people don’t trust shit.

And now in 2021 we’re supposed to trust segregated bungee jumping facilities and equipment? ‘The devil is a lie’ (as our colored grandmothers were so fond of saying when startled by the sheer brazenness of a prevarication, misrepresentation or dissimulation)! The average Black bourgeois elite female wouldn’t eat poor White people’s food at a pot luck dinner unless she knew them and their home circumstances very well, let alone be comfortable in at a segregated bungee jumping facility. One photo of white people kissing their dogs on the lips and that’s enough to send many Black women into convulsive fits of paroxysm.

Summer time at the company picnic can feel like Ecoli/botulism Russian roulette. It’s the middle of summer and not only are white people’s legs ‘mayonnaise’ white and textured like a blob of mayonnaise too when white women are obese; the potato salad is completely white too! Damn near alabaster white! Dixie’s (that’s her real name mind you) home Tennessee mountain recipe potato salad. Dixie, who actually is a very sweet woman made the potato salad in an old 5 gallon bucket that before it got repurposed as a potato salad container, was a 5 gallon bucket of Glidden or Sherwin Williams paint. Long before Dixie’s repurposing her second husband was using it to wash his car and truck. Repurposing notwithstanding, when it came time to set the alabaster white potato salad on the buffet table it took a shovel to get it out because of its thick cement like consistency. Of course I ate a lot of everybody’s food at the pot luck because I like to eat. White people’s reputation for cooking skills (or lack thereof) doesn’t bother me and whatever textural or unsavory criticisms I might offer I charge it to the game because I’ve been blessed by wonderful cross cultural and cross culinary experiences far more than I’ve been disappointed.

That being said, segregated Bungee jumping and White people owning all the bungee jump equipment manufacturing companies and white people owning all of the wholesale and retail distribution and sales would be problematic. How long would it be before it was noticed that bungee jump companies in white upper middle class areas that can pay a premium for the bungee services have better aesthetics, equipment and safety personnel and precautions? Furthermore in White folks defense, these differences may not only be negligible in terms of the possible effects, they might not even be racism and simply a response to the age old question ‘you get what you pay for’ and once basic safety considerations are taken into account whether you get ‘Cadillac’ quality or ‘Chevy’ quality won’t affect much.

I’m sure many of the White people reading this are thinking ‘why on earth would “they” (Negritude) think that, that’s paranoid! And all the Black people are thinking, the likelihood of Segregated Bungee jumping being a good idea is slim. How likely is it that White mainstream owned Bungee Jump companies that cater to Black communities and patrons are comparable or better than the ones that cater to White mainstream communities and patrons or those communities and patrons that can pay a premium? We Black people know from history and experience that If ‘shorts’ are going to be taken then we ninjas will catch the most consistently rough end or manifestation of them.

Yeah, segregated Bungee jumping sounds like a great idea. Bungee jumping in the projects and vacant dilapidated lots as opposed to picturesque waterfalls, bridges and canyon river valleys or even tall shining gleaming skyscrapers. Yep, line up and get you tickets. Experience the feeling of rushing head first towards the concrete and crackheads who fought for the privilege, which was broadcast on Facebook Live, of standing under you as you bungee jump to see what loose change or other materials ‘shakes loose’ out of your pockets. The only problem is catching the cell phones before they hit the ground (safely) takes specially honed skills. This is filmed as well. Needless to say some hapless crackheads get cracked on the head by cell phones and other objects. Basic physics tells us that certain objects at an impact velocity generated from falling 75 to 100 ft. can pack a real wallop.

White bungee cord and equipment manufacturers (and by economic association and extension Chinese manufacturers), would realize only after a while that because Black people tend to be bigger physically than white folk (as in remember when Calvin Klein said at one point that he didn’t design his clothes for Black people’s ‘typical’ body proportions); design and strength of materials engineers may need bigger, stronger, thicker bungee cords, harnesses, rigs and outfitting. But no, just like statistically speaking very few pharmaceutical drug trials include large numbers of Negroes, our body shapes and structures would not be the ones that were tested for or tested. The test range would be white people and Asians 150-190 pounds. For an average test sampling of Black people the range would have to be at least 180- 280 pounds.

Of course we might ask the question why a 280 pound man or woman would endeavor to bungee jump at all. Trivia my dear readers, trivia. All I know is that the crackheads at the bottom might get hit with a ‘titty’ instead of a cellphone when the super heavy weight bungee jumpers come to jump. There would be a legal mandate similar to handicapped access mandates so you’d have to cater to ‘heavyweights’ in order to not be accused of discriminating against the obese or ‘fat shaming’. ‘Lizzo’ has proven that overweight women can be just as ignorant as skinny women and just as prone to prance around half naked and deserve and will take every opportunity to so do.

But you’ve got to admit that seeing 280 pound Black men and women hurl themselves off of platforms in the ghetto nearly naked would be a hell of a sight. And to see all that meat ‘snap back’ up in slow motion video would I’m sure provide endless hours of entertainment. But the point of that little discourse was simply noting that in the time it would take White people (and their Chinese manufacturers) to figure out we ninjas need bigger harnesses and bungee cords 10 niggers and 16 crackheads would have died, splatted on the pavement of Metropolitan and University streets here in Atlanta like human versions of animal roadkill. There would be public outcry and then outrage as the families of the 280 pounders would sue arguing that these White and Chinese owned bungee equipment manufacturing companies were negligent and thus should be liable to damages.

Can you imagine the press conference, his sad spouse, girlfriend, children and siblings, relatives and friends in tears as they tell memories of their cousin ‘fat boi’ (his nick name) life; “All ‘fat boi’ wanted to do was experience weightlessness for 3 seconds. He didn’t know it might be the last 3 seconds of his life, except all that fat protected his inner organs from the the severity of the fall apart from some minor cuts, bruises and memory lapses he’s alright but the family needs money to take care of him. Of course the main reason they would say they are suing is so that other families don’t have to experience their pain……I’m assuming this pain to be the pain of having a morbidly obese, diabetic relative that needs counseling.

Because the White mainstream American bungee companies and their Chinese manufacturers are negligent my brother ‘fat boi’ almost lost his life and will never be the same again mentally. Yes he had high blood pressure, yes he had asthma, yes he should have known something was wrong with the fit of the equipment when what should have looked like a ‘girdle about him’, looked like a thong between the fat rolls around his stomach, hips and thighs and between his ass cheeks. The event should have been advertised and sold to Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s worst recorded ‘wedgie’! His balls were dangling, straddling, strangling betwixt a piece of fabric so thin it was invisible to all but his balls. Two balls knocking like one half of a pendulum ball rack set; which is to say not swinging back and forth in rhythm discharging excess energy in the process but just knocking each one knowing something had to give and one would crack. As we watched in horror from the ground, his balls hit ‘terra firma’ with his full weight landing on them. The doctor said they could save one but not the other. His girlfriend doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to perform again and they had plans on having children together notwithstanding the fact that they didn’t have plans to get married or even domicile together. Trivialities my dear reader, trivialities. Yes he had diabetes, yes he was depressed about having lost his job and overate himself into being a prisoner in his own home, nay in his own body. Yes he was suicidal and that is what prompted a 350 pound man to bungee jump. Nevertheless these white mainstream bungee corporations and their Chinese manufacturing companies should have known that 350 pound Black people with big hips, thighs and chests need to bungee jump safely too. But you know the Corporate White mainstream man. White folks not only have lawyers for days, they have really smart lawyers for days; really expensive lawyers that are highly motivated on behalf of their clients.

Segregated bungee jumping. People can jump to their favorite music; acknowledging the disappointment many Black people feel when going to a Waffle House restaurant in the deep country and deep country is all you find on the juke box. Now you can bungee jump to your favorite ninja tunes too. 24 hour bungee jumping, discount bungee jumps, like the rush of a high but you won’t get addicted until your addicted to the rush of seeing the concrete coming at you so fast. Segregated Bungee Jumping, are you ready America!