I got yo draws’ Juanita; And other Post-Modern Christian tales

I often tell people that my experiences in a mainline American Christian denomination were rougher than my experiences selling dope in the streets on the block. This is to argue in an around about way that the thugs I encountered in the church hierarchy were worse in many regards than the thugs I encountered on the streets of Atlanta and South Carolina where I hustled.

Just when I thought I had put all that behind me, an article comes out in the Atlanta Journal Constitution about how the United Methodist Church is seizing Mt. Bethel UMC’s assets. Immediately I was reminded of Jesus words saying “if the Kingdom were of this world, the violent would seize it by force.” Oh my, we understand why people in ‘the world’ act like they act, do what they do and seize things by force if necessary (or not, for oftentimes it’s just easier to seize it by force than it is to negotiate for it). Denominations, the IRS and quite frankly anybody with guns or more or bigger guns than you can seize anything temporal by force. Oh my, we understand why people ‘in the world’ seize things by force and litigation and act like they act and do what they do in the name of ‘seizing’ things by force. And truth be told seizing it by force more often than not is easier than negotiation and usually takes far less time. Who has the time to respect people, listen to their concerns and actually respond…apparently not even the United Methodist Church.

But when Christians seize things from one another in the world by force and temporal legal litigation, the world has crept up in the church to a degree that Apostle Paul worried about in his New Testament writings. One might argue that his biggest fear was that the church would be corrupted by the world and its way. Remember when he counseled us that we Christians are to ‘judge the world, how is it that we go to and rely on (secular devices and authorities) to judge matters between Christians’. Did he not warn the church precisely and explicitly of these matters? And yet we find ourselves surprised by the need to as the book of Jude says ‘contend for the faith once delivered to the Saints’.

Yes my friends, Christianity is marginalized, minimalized, trivialized and not taken seriously by post-modernity. That is, unless the church can surround you or itself with material trappings and temporal power. Oh yes it is not coincidence that ‘Modernity’ saw the rise of prosperity, health ministries and ‘name it and claim it’ ministries. These things the Christians are told the world seizes by force and so can we. Burglars and thieves steal cars, trucks, phones, watches, jewelry, etc. by stealth or force. And the logic of the world is exactly true! If you have anything material nearly any other human being with the will and the money can beat your ‘old testament donkey’ and take it from you like taking candy from a baby.

Thus, the Bishop of the United Methodist Church said to Bethel UMC in Marietta ‘stick em up, gimme your church muthafucka’! The Bishop is so ‘Woke’ she marched with Black Lives Matter but that will not stop her from relying precisely on the letter of the law, the judiciary and the juridical process to take your shit! Y’all Methodists are rugged son! Imma beat yo ‘old testament donkey’ and take your shit. (Cue Bone Thugs n Harmony) “It’s the thuggish ruggish bone!” Was that Bishop Sue chanting ‘the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don’t need no water let the muthafucka burn, burn muthafucka, burn!

The other thing that completely fascinates me about Facebook, Instagram and social media styled religion is the Juanita Bynum saga Volume 3 ‘gimme my drawers and Imma fuck you up Linda Wilson’. First of all and I must admit this, I find Juanita relatively attractive. She’s not unpleasant to look at and her energy is at first unique and even powerful. But her saga (if you will) does point in some weird and dangerous directions. No, I’m not talking about selling prayer cloths, shawls, buttons, Holy Water, books, high speaking fees and preemptive prayers as bad as the Catholics selling indulgences. No, I’m not just talking about the altercation with her then husband Bishop Weeks in an Atlanta hotel/restaurant parking lot. No, I’m not just talking about the woman who accused a a grown married man she had partnered with in ministry with before who whether he wanted to or not could not possibly have anticipated having access to Juanita Bynum’s draws and thus could not possibly have planned to do so.

Juanita accused him of ‘seeing her draws’, her undergarments. I’m not surprised by a woman being particular about her draws’. I had a Jamaican friend who would lament how much things have changed between the gender norms by saying he grew up dirt poor, he and his 6 siblings handwashing their clothes and putting them on the line. He said in his whole time growing up in that household until he left, he never ever saw his older sisters draws’, even hanging on the line. As he told the story he laughed and wondered what the fuck they were doing to dry them.

Apparently Juanita and her draws’ are anointed and she felt violated to the point that her anointing for that evening was ruined because she thought the Bishop saw her draws’. I’d like to see those draws’ because those have got to be some powerful and sanctified draws’! I thought items got anointed after the anointed individual sweats in or uses them, the way rock stars throw handkerchiefs and towels out in the audience and people go crazy. Apparently Juanita’s draws’ were anointed right out the box! I need the men’s version of them draws’! Only I would get mine with a special anointing where just because somebody sees my draws it doesn’t mean my anointing has left.

Which brings me to another point I really don’t want to put to fine a point on but I think in light of Juanita’s saga and its various Volumes it is relevant. However I want to emphasize, it is not relevant to a discussion of Juanita’s sexuality, just her ego from my perspective. Since our mothers, who the fuck has an assistant that lays out your outfits down to the draws. They can see our draws’ Juanita but the anointing doesn’t leave when your assistant sees your intimate garments. I want to interview her Juanita? I need an assistant too; as many of us do and I don’t know how much Juanita pays but shit, if I can match it or better will she work for me because I certainly need my draws laid out for me because I’m just as anointed as you are, and my anointing would be higher if I didn’t have to spend time picking out my draws.

The hotel staff, male or female can run the risk of seeing you laid out, anointed, ‘old testament donkey’ hugging draws’ but a married bishop saw your draws accidentally. Apparently Juanita has a great appreciation for her own attractiveness and feels her draws’ are so powerfully anointed if a heterosexual man sees them he’ll immediately lose his fucking mind. Can your personal assistant preach Juanita, she should be an awesome preaching sees been seeing them draws’ for years apparently.

She better be glad it wasn’t me. I would have took her draws! I would have done this not out of any sexual implications but as a practical joke. To me that would be hilarious if Juanita gets to the room, takes a shower and realizes her Personal assistant didn’t leave out a fresh pair of draws. Most people would just figure the assistant made a mistake and forgot the draws’ but not Juanita. She’s calling the secret service trying to get at the bottom of this obvious conspiracy again Juanita Bynum. A nigga took a prophetess draws that her personal assistant laid out for her. I think it’s hilarious. I’m trying not to laugh now. I wonder did Deborah have a personal assistant in the bible to lay out her draws when she and Gideon led Israel against it’s enemies militarily. Them some big ass women’s draws to fill (not literally), I’m not sure Juanita could fill Deborah’s draws. Is that a religious perk Juanita has taken or a personal one? “I’m so anointed I don’t have time to pick out some draws no one will see when I preach (that is, unless she has a wardrobe malfunction and something goes really, really wrong like she falls with her legs up in the air)!! Quit worrying Juanita, I need that anointing, I got yo draws’ Juanita!

And yes, these draws’ are indeed special. I’m sure all my readers are wondering does Juanita wear old lady bloomers, a thong, li’l girl draws’, bikini draws’ etc. Ok maybe just me and few other male readers. Well, of course Juanita’s personal assistant, God and maybe the bishop are the only ones that know what kind of draws’ Juanita wears (unless Juanita has another Volume and/or chapter to her saga that has not come out yet). Perhaps outside of them, Bishop Weeks her former husband is the only man that could take a credible guess what kinds of draws’ Juanita is accusing the married bishop in the incident of seeing.

I know, I know, enquiring minds want to know! Perhaps Juanita has ‘preaching draws’; that is draws’ she only preaches in but doesn’t wear otherwise. Were the draws’ brand new or was the elastic worn out and hanging out? Maybe she gets her draws’ hand washed with Dreft (a laundry detergent for children and those with sensitive skin). But imma leave Juanita and her draws’ drama aside to discuss the Linda Williams situation.

In the middle of doing her ‘schtick’, Juanita noticed a not so complimentary message from a woman named Linda Wilson on her live Facebook feed. If I’m not mistaken Linda Wilson called Juanita ‘Jezebel’ or ‘a Jezebel’. For my secular Womanist and Feminist activists this would actually be a compliment as Jezebel was a powerful woman that very powerful masculine interests in ancient Hebrew/Israelite culture hated with a passion and clearly worked to undermine. She was a powerful woman. I can’t say it but other women could, i.e the types that wear T-Shirts that say ‘I’m a proud bad bitch’. Jezebel could have worn just such a T-shirt. The biblical narrative brings Jezebel off as a weird mix between some kind of sex ingenue, Cruella Deville, a sorceress, a usurper and a woman that not only hen pecks her husband but berates and minimizes his family and religion publicly and wears the pants in the family.

And indeed, as if to prove the point Linda Wilson was making Juanita raise her ‘Frankenstein’ seeing a simple little match flame. We all have a ‘Frankenstein’ in us where very little things to other people or even yourself in controlled occasions causes you inordinately and unprofessionally go off the rails. No matter what we do of good and that is wise and beneficial to others, there is a Frankenstein in each and every one of us and if one is not careful that monster can be raised up in us. If you don’t know the story, Frankenstein was so afraid of flames (of any size) he’d nut up emotionally and spiritually and become a danger to himself and others.

We are exactly the same when we are not ‘self-aware’, spiritually connected in the moment or not particularly ‘self contained’. Life situation can bring the Frankenstein monster right on out of you. Remember the scene where Frankenstein sees the match, goes on a rampage through town and ends up setting the whole damn thing on fire. Franky baby just needed love and guidance but his handlers over estimated his capacity for independent action and judgement.

Juanita didn’t see a harmless flame, she saw an immediate threat to her survival, the Frankenstein got raised up in her and she attacked Linda Wilson in a way that was completely inappropriate and soured her witness (note I didn’t say erased her witness or made her witness null and void). It just soured her witness. Personally I like to see people keep it real and prove they are ‘human all to human’.

The problem is that what Juanita did was dangerous. Unwarily, she tempted God. Juanita didn’t see a harmless flame, she saw an imminent threat to her survival and she attacked Linda Wilson, ‘joaned’ Linda Wilson and with a straight face said that Linda Wilson had no right to criticize her because she (Juanita) had raised the dead and healed people of cancer. Hmmmm, that’s funny because when Jesus healed Jairus daughter and in other examples he told people not to tell that they had been healed and/or said that it was their faith that made them whole and emphasized that it was the power and will of the Father working in and through him (as if to deflect attention away from himself not gather it to himself).

Juanita told her fans, her disciples to look up Linda Wilson and mock her themselves; who it must be said didn’t have anything better to do than not only be looking at a Juanita FB/YOUTUBE/Instagram thingy but to be in a mocking committee and contribute to the trend in America of social media harassment. If you watch the interaction, that ‘Frankenstein’ came out of Juanita. She told Linda that she ran into the right one, she bucks back and she doesn’t back down. Clearly Juanita was ready to fight fire with fire, which brings us to the point of this essay, you’re not going to outworld her. Linda was not going to be more worldly than Juanita and Juanita was going to prove it to her that day, which is to say she’s going to be just as violent as you and you cannot stand against Juanita. Linda only had 4 likes on her page according to Juanita, Juanita claimed thousands.

If you ever wondered whether or not preachers in general and Juanita Bynum in particular count likes and views, there you have it. if you asked them flat out however they’d lie and say with righteous indignation that they listen to the Lord and do what the Lord tells them they don’t count likes, views and shares. They don’t say if Jesus ‘Likes’ it that’s enough for them. No Juanita said 4 Likes ain’t enough to criticize her. i.e. she only respects big boys and girls with lots of likes.

Now, in light of all this, Juanita should not be going around holier than though; like everything out of her mouth proceeds from the mouth of God. Not that it doesn’t, I’d never deny her anointing or intelligence. It’s just that she doesn’t recognize she needs to be in communion with other believers. A ministry is not necessarily a church. In a church program, your folk, for that matter if Juanita had a man, he wouldn’t have let her go off like that on somebody from the pulpit. But in that ‘ministry Juanita is the senior authority and has everybody around her either on the payroll or they are once of her sycophants. And apparently you’ve got one sycophant in particular that lays yours draws’ out for you. Nigga please. Look how as Juanita preachers a cackle of women wail, moan, shout and scream on cue as Juanita does her schtick.

In all honesty it looks like some ancient feminist cult which as harsh as that sounds, I’m not the one with an assistant laying my draws’ out (male or female)! I don’t remember seeing any or many men in the audience and she aint’ married or publicly dating. And this is where feminist prosperity preachers get tripped up. Were Juanita in a real church and not a ‘ministry’ where other people bore responsibility for the product, not just her, an associate minister would have blanked off the screen or told the choir to start singing….ANYTHING but Juanita arguing back and forth like a wild woman ready to kick some ass! A half righteous and dignified husband (who wasn’t on the payroll himself or henpecked) would have walked up and whispered in her ear to chill and ‘stand down’. ANYTHING. Anything would have been better than what actually transpired between Juanita and Linda Wilson and all the ‘street’ coming out in Juanita.

Seeing Juanita’s drama, all her drama live, and don’t get it twisted I bet Linda Wilson went from 4 likes pre-Juanita heavy weight fight to 40,000 likes within a week’s time. Linda has some post-Juanita interviews on Youtube by Black Christian bloggers. The ‘battle royale’ with Juanita apparently has been great for Linda Wilson’s ministry. Many people (not necessarily me) feel the same way about Juanita whether they would use the phrase Jezebel or not. But they either did not have the courage to confront Juanita publicly or didn’t care to confront Juanita as much as a Linda Wilson.

Y’all know I’m telling the truth. And what is altogether worse for Juanita and that particular brand of Black Christian feminism and womanism is that it’s woman directing the drama and hurling insults at each other! What does it mean for Black women to ‘rise’ to certain highlevels of notoriety as men and then lash out at each other with venomous rage? And ladies and gentlemen Juanita is a posterchild for Black female rage. A particular kind of Black female rage that is upset with the staff of a restaurant before she gets there. Juanita is at Applebee’s with a 17 year old waitress with expectations like she’s at The Capital Grill in Buckhead.